“Hi! Thanks for shopping with us today! How are you doing?” “Hey neighbor! Haven’t seen you around for a bit. Everything okay?” “Wasn’t your wife pregnant? How is she and the baby doing?” The hardest thing about being in the general public is that many just don’t know. When asked “how are you doing?”, I don’t know how to respond. I don’t want to be the gray cloud coming into every place, but at the same time it’s hard to pretend everything is okay. Sometimes it’s just easier staying in bed with the shades darkened and being left alone.
Being Logically Emotional
God created us individually unique. Me personally, I want logical answers and I don’t hide my emotions well. It’s been two weeks since Leah passed and I’m already trying to find a logical reason behind all of this. In what was going to be Leah’s room, there is a plaque hanging on the wall that says “God is Good”. My logical side wants to know how this situation is “good”, so I do what I know best, I started reading the bible. I decided to read about the events surrounding Joseph because after his father’s death he had a conversation with his brothers and said,
“As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.”-Genesis 50:20
After all the things that happened to Joseph, I wanted to know how he arrived to that statement. I started reading, and I started to see how God worked in and around Joseph’s life, even in the midst of Joseph’s pain and suffering. I’ll be honest, the more I was reading, the more frustrated I was getting. I was frustrated because I wasn’t finding the real answer I was looking for. Sure, I said I wanted to know how Joseph was able to say what he said in Genesis 50, but, what I was really looking for was an answer to why this tragic event has happened to me and my wife. In short, I was demanding an answer from God.
Since I wasn’t getting what I wanted, I started to becoming angry. When my wife started talking to me, I expressed that I felt like these last nine months have been a waste of time. All the prep work, all the shopping, all the medical visits, everything that happened in theses last nine months seemed like a waste of time and a sick cruel joke. Why did we endure all of this if at the end we don’t have our daughter?! My emotional side started kicking in, and tears and anger in my heart started to build. My wife started to pray, but I left the prayer because in my heart I was so angry with God, I couldn’t sincerely be in that prayer.
In the living room I curled myself into a ball, with tears and snots falling on the couch. I repented, and asked the Lord for forgiveness regarding my anger and asked Him to help me with my unbelief in this situation. With my wife comforting me, she reached out to one of my friends, and he immediately came over. I shared with him my frustrations and feelings as he comforts and listens to me. He encouraged me, prayed for me and my wife, and as he was leaving, he reminded me of part of a bible verse that is hanging in our apartment;
“Be still, and know that I am God.”-Psalm 46:10a
It is easy to be still and trust in the Lord when everything is good and comfortable, but in the midst of a storm, our eyes, like Peter’s, can tend to be focused on the storm rather than the Lord. Even in the midst of the strongest storms, God is still God. He didn’t leave us or forsaken us, He is here with us in the middle of the storm.
They Don’t Know, But They Will Know!
Romans 8:28 says; “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” I still don’t know how God is going to use this situation, and my wife and I probably never will know on this side of eternity. What I do know, is that we still have the opportunity to preach Christ.
After telling people what has happened, a common response Rachel and I have heard a lot is “Wow, you two are so strong. I don’t know if I could be as strong as you guys are.” Our response, is always the same, “We aren’t strong. We are weak. It is Jesus Christ who makes us strong.” Yes many in the public view don’t know what has happened to us, but many also don’t know about the Lord Jesus Christ. Sure, many will get to hear the story about our daughter, but more importantly, they will have an opportunity to hear about the hope that is found in Jesus Christ.
“..but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you;”-1st Peter 3:15a
-Michael A. Kubus