It’s been over six months since you went to heaven. I have missed you of late and I long to hold you in my arms because it’s getting to harder and harder to remember what it was like to hold you. This scares me because I never want you or anyone to think I have forgotten you. How can I forget you?! You’re my daughter! You’re my little Leah. While I will never forget you, I can’t stay stuck on this road that is called grief.
For the last three weeks I have had three individuals, ranging from the age of 14-55, tell me that I don’t look good, don’t seem like myself, or look like I’m hurting. In my head, I had no idea what they meant, but in the depths of my soul the pain of loosing you still feels raw. Just writing or even saying “I miss my daughter” brings me to tears. The journey of grief is an interesting road, but I believe the enemy wants me to stay stuck on this road so I end up bitter and angry with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and with those whom I love on this earth. To that I say, “It’s time to move forward.”
Writing those words, “It’s time to move forward”, fills my eyes with water because I don’t want you thinking moving forward means I have forgotten you. Leah Grace, I love you and I will never forget you. There is nothing I can do to bring you back to this earth, but one day, I will be reunited with you as we worship our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for the rest of eternity in heaven.
What does moving forward mean? For starters, it means putting out the campfire that I have made I the road of grief, packing my supplies, and starting to walk. What am I walking towards? For starters, the calling the Lord has put on my life. Without a shadow of doubt, your daddy has been called to preach and teach the good news of Jesus Christ. There are many who need to hear the truth of who He is. Some will accept the message I’m supposed to share and others will “kill the messenger.” Whatever happens, it’s my duty and responsibility to share the message the Lord has entrusted me with.
Another thing I am walking towards is our family. Before your mom and I got married, she told me she wanted ten kids. I think she was trying to scare me away, but I told her “Well I want at least 3, so if the Lord provides us ten, then ten it is!” (That’s how I remember the conversation.). Anyways, hopefully the Lord will provide you some siblings. Don’t worry, your brothers and sisters will know about you. Just because you aren’t here on earth doesn’t mean we won’t talk about you.
Finally, moving forward means I will leave behind the anchor of guilt at the campsite I made on the road of grief. Ever since you passed, I’ve been feeling guilty that I couldn’t do more to save you. While that sounds silly, it’s been a constant battle. The enemy has be throwing “what ifs” that have at times made me believe I killed you. That’s not the truth. The curse of sin killed you. One day justice will triumph and the enemy will be thrown into the pits of hell because our King will make restore all things! That’s exciting because when the King comes to restore all things, it means we will be reunited! That’s why your mommy and I trust in His steadfast love. The enemy thinks he has won, but the truth is he lost. The enemy lost when Jesus went to the cross and defeated death by rising from the grave three days later.
Well kiddo, now that the fire is out, it’s starting to get chilly. I better start walking if I want to stay warm. Until we meet again, I have a mission to complete on this earth. I can’t let the King down. I love you, and I’ll never forget you.
2 thoughts on “Letter to Leah”
Mike that was one of the most beautiful things I have ever read. When I went through something very similar, I wasn’t walking with Jesus yet. My anger and guilt weighed very heavy on me and it took a long time to feel and be normal again. I know now he was always there, and was preparing me for my journey.
We are very blessed!
Thank you Kim for your encouraging words! Praise be to God that He is faithful, even in the midst of our pain.